Happy 2020 everyone!
Over the past several weeks, I’ve seen a lot of posts reflecting on the past decade. Naturally, I began to look back and, wow, what a decade it has been. It is amazing to see the changes and growth that has occurred over the last 10 years.
10 years ago is when my eating disorder (ED) first began; the first time I saw my body for its perceived flaws. At 15, this was the start of a life-changing journey for me and I would never have foreseen where it would bring me. I had just begun modeling in New York and was so determined to be the best and perfect in an industry hallmarked by thinness and flawlessness.
I was willing to do anything to make it but didn’t realize how I was hurting myself in the process. Over the next several years, my eating disorder took total control of my life. I was enmeshed in a dysfunctional relationship with food and my physical self, unable to separate myself from my ED. In such a formative time of life, this shaped my personal identity.
This time in my life was not all negative. I truly loved my career in the modeling industry. I got to travel to incredible places and meet many influential and talented people. It is a season of my life I will cherish forever.
After several years, my modeling career came to an end when I began to develop health complications because of my eating disorder. Coming home from New York was devastating. I didn’t know why this was happening to me. This was supposed to be my life’s path; this was where I was supposed to be. I had worked so hard to get to where I was and it seemed like everything was taken from me.
I didn’t know who I was or what I was supposed to do. I felt lost and broken.
The next year was the most difficult year of my life. It was spent hiding, trying so hard to hold on to what was lost. I leaned into my ED to make me feel whole again, to make me feel normal, but it just made me feel empty and miserable.
I don’t know when it began, but eventually, my life began to change for the better. I was able to separate myself from my eating disorder. It no longer had a hold on me like it once did. I was able to see the lies for what they were and my identity shifted to more than protruding bones and counting calories. For the first time since my ED began, I loved myself for all that I was.
As odd as this may sound, I am grateful for my eating disorder. Because of my ED, I am the person I am today. It brought my passion and life purpose, as I am working towards my Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling to help others who are struggling with eating disorders.
If I could go back and speak to my 2010 self with all I have learned from this decade, I would tell her:
- You are supposed to love yourself – loving yourself is a good thing.
- Comparing yourself to others will never help you reach your goals.
- You are so much more than an eating disorder.
- Speak up – your opinions matter.
- God’s plan is so much greater than anything you have planned for yourself.
The past several years have been so beautiful and wonderful. I love my life and the places it has taken me. There is so much I am grateful for, especially the ability to help others struggling with ED.
As I begin this new decade, I am nothing but thankful for all that the past 10 years have taught me. I can’t wait to see what the next decade will bring.
Cheers to this new chapter!
Hey there, it’s been a while.
It’s been a busy season for me. I’m a full time grad student and working full time; both things I absolutely love. I actually really enjoy busy seasons. They are when I feel I thrive the most, but it can also be one when I forget to take time for myself. Taking time for myself is not something that comes naturally or easily for me. In fact, sometimes sitting still and resting brings about feelings of guilt. I feel like I should be doing something, anything to be productive.
A hard lesson I’ve learned is sometimes doing nothing is being productive.
Let me clarify what “doing nothing” means to me. It doesn’t necessarily mean sitting on the couch watching The Great British Baking Show (even though that totally counts and I definitely do it every week).
It means doing something that does not have a deadline attached to it. Doing nothing is something you are not obligated to do, but will help you feel rejuvenated and relaxed. In other words, “doing nothing” basically, means self-care.
Maybe your self-care is watching a few episodes on Netflix, going on a long walk or run, baking something fun or cooking a healthy meal, or doing all three. For me, yoga is one of the biggest ways I administer self-care. It helps me stay active and relax all at once. It has been a lifesaver for me during my busy seasons.
But, you don’t have to be in a busy season to practice self-care. In fact, practicing self-care should be a conscious priority every day.
Another form of self-care has been this blog, even though I haven’t posted something on here in a while; I love creating new recipes and laying all of my various thoughts out on paper (or Microsoft word, technically). When I was thinking about taking self-care more seriously, my blog was the first thing that came to mind. I have missed planning out blog posts and spending an afternoon in the kitchen cooking something new.
Self-care can be more difficult than it seems at first.
Don’t know where to start with self-care? Here are some tips:
- Pro-actively block out time for your self-care – Work on prioritizing things you love a few times a week as much you prioritize other parts of you life.
- Your self-care might not look like everyone else’s – Make your self-care about YOU. Do what you love during this time.
- If you don’t feel rejuvenated after your self-care time, maybe you haven’t found the right activity – Don’t be afraid to try different things! If something felt more draining than relaxing, try something else.
- Don’t feel guilty about taking time for yourself – Sometimes we forget that we are supposed to take care of ourselves. It is not a bad thing to take time for something you enjoy.
Whatever season of life you are currently in, I encourage you to try to practice self-care. Take some time for yourself and do something you love!
In time, I will leave the city
For now, I will stay alive
It is hard to describe how it feels when you are in a season of life that seems like it can’t get much lower. You are mentally and physically at your limit, wanting to keep fighting for something better, but your circumstances feel concrete.
When I first began recovery for my eating disorder (ED), I was in this state. I felt trapped in my own body and hating every second. Each day began and ended with an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I hope you never go through a season of life like this, but if you have, you know it is hard to put it into words.
Listening to music has always been an outlet of mine. I love music that has a purpose. I listened to music a lot during my difficult season and not many songs really captured what I was feeling. Looking back, I wish I could have found a song that said what I did not have words for. The song below does such an amazing job of putting words to feelings that so many of us have experienced.
Leave the City
by Twenty One Pilots
I’m tired
Of tending to this fire
I’ve used up all I’ve collected
I have singed my hands
It’s glowing
Embers barely showing
Proof of life in the shadows
Dancing on my plans
They know that it’s almost
They know that it’s almost over
The burning
Is so low it’s concerning
‘Cause they know that when it goes out
It’s a glorious gone
It’s only time before they show me
Why no one ever comes back
With details from beyond
They know that it’s almost
They know that it’s almost over
The weight of this song has hit me like very few songs have before. It took me back to a place where I was going through the worst of my ED and at the beginning of my recovery. At that time, I felt like I was reaching the point where there was nothing more I could do to feel whole again. I had put my identity and worth in my weight and felt in control of my life through limiting what I would eat. In recovery, all of that “control” was taken away very quickly and I felt like I had lost myself. With losing that feeling of control, came a strong sense of being angry with God for allowing these circumstances to happen. I had no way to cope and felt stripped of my worth. I was further from Him than I ever had been, but I was angry at the wrong person.
Giving into your doubts, surrendering to hopelessness and projecting your anger onto God is when the devil thrives the most. To me, these lyrics symbolize what it is like to be at your lowest, while knowing that the enemy is not far away, waiting for you to fall completely.
In time, I will leave the city
For now, I will stay alive
The city, for me personally, represents my eating disorder. It is a place where I felt trapped and a place that will always be a part of my story. Your city might be the same as mine or it might be something different. During this time, some of my better days were the ones where I know I did the best I could to keep going; to keep moving in the direction of healing.
This is okay.
In fact, this is more than okay.
As long as you do not let the enemy defeat you, you are the one winning the war. You could be in the middle of your city, feeling trapped, but as long as you’re continuing to work towards getting out, you have the control.
In my distress I prayed to the Lord, and the Lord answered me and set me free. – Psalm 118:5
I have left the city, but a part of me is always in there. There were times when I was not sure if I would ever get out, but I know now that I have won the war against my eating disorder.
Keep going. Don’t lose hope.
You will leave the city.
This week is my birthday and, like every year, I am looking forward to another year of growth, adventure, and learning more about myself as I begin the 24th chapter in my life. To start this new season, I have decided to reflect on 24 things I have learned on my time on earth, so far.
- Slow down: Very few things in life are a race. If you are trying to play catch up on someone else’s life path, you will overlook the beauty that lies in the present.
- Be mindful: Choose your thoughts carefully; they have more power than you would believe.
- Love yourself first: This one is important. Loving yourself first isn’t selfishness. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Love yourself first, so you are able to pour into others to the best of your ability.
- Worrying gets you nowhere: A saying I try to remember when I am feeling anxious is, “cross that bridge when it gets here.” Sometimes, anxiety can feel overwhelming, but nothing beneficial comes from worrying about an event that has not come to fruition.
- Always have something to work towards.
- Don’t give up, but learn to give in: Push yourself to reach your goals, but know when you’re being too hard on yourself.
- Treat yourself with respect
- Be responsible
- Be slow to speak: James 1:19
- Process big decisions, but do not put them off.
- Be still and listen to God: Psalm 46:10
- Have fun: Make time to do things you enjoy.
- Don’t take yourself too seriously.
- Humility goes a long way.
- Put your pride beside you.
- Life is too precious to take it for granted
- Treasure those close to you
- Don’t always follow a crowd: Sometimes they don’t know where they are going.
- Count your blessings
- Get enough sleep: There is a big difference in your outlook on the day when you have 6 hours of sleep vs 8.
- Make God your life’s filter
- Be proud of yourself: Remind yourself how far you’ve come.
- Don’t let the past define you, but grow from it.
- Choose to be happy: Make Philippians 4:8 your life’s motto.
A few days ago, I was cleaning out an old closet and came across a stack of journals. I love looking back in journals from different times in my life, so out of curiosity, I began to browse the old notebooks filled with memories. But, there are some memories that are better left in cluttered closets.
I picked up the worn pink and green journal with my name written sloppily on the spine. Inside, filled from the first page to the last, was nothing but memories from before my recovery. On these pages, I saw a frustrated, broken girl who felt like a prisoner in her own body. This was a girl who tried so desperately to be free from her eating disorder (ED), but was trapped in a viscous mindset of self-hatred.
I feel so separated from the girl who wrote these pages. I traded my freedom for a false sense of control and it only brought me pain. It took years for me to realize that it was not my job to be in control, but my privilege and right to graciously live in the freedom God gave me.
Sometimes you have to lose your control in order to gain your freedom.
On the final page of my notebook, there is a single paragraph that reads:
“Things are getting better. I now see the light at the end of the tunnel. This will all be put behind me. Finally, I will be able to restart my life and move on. A new chapter of my life. I will be able to help others who suffer the way I have these past few years. To be able to help would be amazing, but first I must be right by myself.”
There were countless times throughout my struggle with anorexia when I felt alone in my brokenness. I was convinced there was no way anyone knew the pain I was feeling. For a while, I thought I was supposed to suffer alone and in silence. After all, if no one knew how I felt, how could they possibly help break the control my eating disorder (ED) had on my life?
Eating disorders have the ability to hold someone captive in a state of isolation and loneliness. You begin to feel as if no one else could ever understand the tight grip ED has on you and your life. For me, that was one of the biggest roadblocks that hindered my recovery; I never wanted to reach out to anyone because I never thought anyone would understand what I was going through.
This is the nature of an eating disorder: to isolate and make you believe that you are alone in what you are experiencing.
Lets start by bringing this lie into the light: You are not alone. Period.
If you have an eating disorder or going through a difficult season of life, know that you do not have to struggle by yourself. Regardless of what you’re going through, there are people that have been where you are and can help. These lies we hear and tell ourselves hold us back from being free from our circumstances. Lies grow and become stronger in the dark, but they cannot survive in the light.
Okay, but how do I bring these harmful lies out of the dark?
The best way to help yourself is by helping others.
Wow, sounds crazy, right? You are probably thinking, “How can I help someone else when I need someone to help me?” I can say first hand that serving others really puts your circumstances into perspective.
When I started volunteering, I began to feel less isolated. Serving others helped create a sense of purpose to my pain that I had never felt before. I was no longer alone, but surrounded by support.
“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” Mahatma Gandhi
My mom was the first person to suggest this concept to me. Throughout my ED, she constantly tried to push me in a direction of healing. She signed me up to volunteer at different organizations that helped feed the homeless and the disabled. One of the main places I volunteered was at Open Hand Atlanta (http://www.projectopenhand.org). Open Hand gives food to those who cannot get food themselves. They deliver meals to individuals with disabilities, AIDS, cancer, and the elderly. I helped package the food and get it ready to be delivered. At that time in my life, I didn’t even want to go in my own kitchen and be around food; it gave me a lot of anxiety. So here I was, completely out of my comfort zone, but seeing food in a positive light for the first time since my ED. Food was not the enemy at Open Hand, but was something that was desired and needed.
I also started volunteering with EDIN (Eating Disorder Information Network – http://www.myedin.org). Through EDIN, I have been able to share my struggles and journey of recovery with different schools, organizations and speak at several eating disorder awareness events. I’ve also made friendships with awesome people who were volunteering at EDIN. There is comfort in numbers. Being around others who have also struggled with an eating disorder took away the sense of isolation. I have seen what it means for people to give back and how much it has helped them through difficult times. I am so thankful for the leadership at EDIN and all I’ve learned from them.
If you are struggling, look for ways to give back in the midst of the difficult season you’re facing. Bring the lies you tell yourself to the surface by surrounding yourself with support and by supporting others.
Truly, one of the best ways to help yourself is by helping others.
A few years ago, Thanksgiving was mainly a holiday of stress and anxiety for me. It was a reminder of how far I had to go until I felt normal again and how much control my eating disorder (ED) still had on me. My eating disorder always had a way of diverting my mind from what I had to be grateful for and instead had me focusing on the endless struggle to reach my destination of recovery. The triggers were seemingly endless and the lies of my eating disorder telling me I had nothing to be thankful for…all made Thanksgiving almost unbearable.
No matter where you are with your eating disorder, Thanksgiving can be stressful. For me, I saw the entire holiday mainly focused around eating the very foods that usually scared me and all centered around the theme of thankfulness. While going through my eating disorder, something so traditional and familiar, like turkey and all of the sides that came with it, became a lot to handle.
I am three years into my recovery now and Thanksgiving still stresses me out to an extent. I have learned over the years that ED would like to continue to turn my attention away from the good and have me focus on the pain. ED will still attempt to block my view of freedom and thankfulness, while trying to make me stay in a perpetual state of dependence on my eating disorder, but I’ve thankfully learned to not let ED have complete control over me.
This Thanksgiving, I urge you…Find 10 things you are thankful for and focus on it. On Thursday, let this list be the motivation of the day. Do not lose sight of all the many things we have to be thankful for this year.
This Thanksgiving I am thankful for…
- The love and support of my family, friends, and boyfriend
- My job
- The highs of this year and being able to learn from the lows
- An amazing ED-free life ahead of me
- My body and health
- What’s in store for my future
- My daily coffee
- Fall weather and the beautiful changing leaves
- Pets, especially dogs, who give us free and unconditional love (Who isn’t thankful for dogs?)
If you love someone with an eating disorder – You may feel like you have lost someone dear to you. Their spirit is gone, but they are still here – you just can’t reach them. You see them every day, but they seem to have lost their identity and their freedom.
If you love someone with an eating disorder – Do not let them be isolated. Eating disorders fester in silence, ED confines and controls. Get their mind off of food. Go for a walk, go on a road trip – do anything to get ED out of the equation.
If you love someone with an eating disorder – Think of an eating disorder as it’s own person, or better yet, as an abusive partner. After abusing themselves for so long, it has become more comfortable to them to endure the harm than to break the self-destructive habits. They may be scared of what lies beyond the eating disorder, so they stay because it has become all that they know.
If you love someone with an eating disorder – Things may get worse before they get better. After they start eating more and looking healthier, it will take time to adjust. ED will try his best to shame them for their progress, so be a voice of encouragement and love during this time. Fight deceitful shame with stable love.
If you love someone with an eating disorder – Don’t give up. It is going to be hard, but know that recovery takes time. Recovery is not a steady incline, but rather a series of loops. The one you love is strong and do not be afraid to keep reminding them of that.
If you love someone with an eating disorder – Please know that the one you love is still there. The person, once full of life, is hidden behind a wall of fear. One of the best things for them to know is that normal life is waiting. They just have to take one step at a time in the right direction.
There is no foolproof way to handle an eating disorder – every individual is different. If someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, loving them through it might feel as if you are not getting through, but believe me, you are. When I was struggling with my eating disorder, the love of my family and friends kept me going. At times it will feel as if ED is winning, but do not give up. Please know that there is hope for freedom and an ED-free life.
Growing up, I never really compared myself with anyone. I did not go to anyone for how I should look or act; I was happy with what I saw in the mirror. Food was just food and my body was just my body. When I began modeling and as I worked on striving for perfection in the modeling industry, I started, for the first time, comparing myself with those around me.
The quiet whispers of lies in my head continued to grow louder and it was not long before I found myself trapped in an eating disorder. My eating disorder pushed me into an extreme way of thinking; it was always all or nothing. In my mind, my worth and my identity was based solely on my size and how much I had eaten that day.
Jobs in the modeling industry are competitive and everyone seemed to be sizing each other up at castings, wondering what it would take to be the best and to be successful. I thought I was the one in control, but in reality, my eating disorder had taken total control over me. Eventually, booking jobs wasn’t even important to me anymore and I began to define success in my disordered eating behaviors.
Comparison is the thief of joy – Theodore Roosevelt
After years of recovery and working towards not letting my mind stray to a place of comparison, I now have a renewed respect and love for my body and myself. I know without a doubt that worth is so much more than my outward appearance.
There has never been a situation where comparison brought a positive outcome. It only produces shame and unhappiness. I had to learn the hard way that there is no such thing as a perfect body – perfection is something that does not exist. There will always be someone skinnier, smarter, or better than you. If you measure your worth on other people, then you can never truly love yourself. Comparison becomes almost involuntary; there is no way to snap your fingers and stop comparing yourself to others. You have a conscious choice to accept and love yourself. We all need to learn to love ourselves unconditionally and embrace our imperfections.
Something that may be helpful if you catch yourself comparing yourself to others or listening to the negative lies in your head, is going over the Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking by David Burns from The Feeling Good Handbook.
- Identify The Distortion: Write down your negative thoughts so you can see which of the ten cognitive distortions you’re involved in. This will make it easier to think about the problem in a more positive and realistic way.
- Examine The Evidence: Instead of assuming that your negative thought is true, examine the actual evidence for it. For example, if you feel that you never do anything right, you could list several things you have done successfully.
- The Double-Standard Method: Instead of putting yourself down in a harsh, condemning way, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you would talk to a friend with a similar problem.
- The Experimental Technique: Do an experiment to test the validity of your negative thought.
- Thinking In Shades Of Grey: Although this method may sound drab, the effects can be illuminating. Instead of thinking about your problems in all-or-nothing extremes, evaluate things on a scale of 0 to 100. When things don’t work out as well as you hoped, think about the experience as a partial success rather than a complete failure. See what you can learn from the situation.
- The Survey Method: Ask people questions to find out if your thoughts and attitudes are realistic. For example, if you feel that public speaking anxiety is abnormal and shameful, ask several friends if they ever felt nervous before they gave a talk.
- Define Terms: When you label yourself ‘inferior’ or ‘a fool’ or ‘a loser,’ ask, “What is the definition of ‘a fool’?” You will feel better when you realize that there is no such thing as ‘a fool’ or ‘a loser.’
- The Semantic Method: Simply substitute language that is less colorful and emotionally loaded. This method is helpful for ‘should statements.’ Instead of telling yourself, “I shouldn’t have made that mistake,” you can say, “It would be better if I hadn’t made that mistake.”
- Re-attribution: Instead of automatically assuming that you are “bad” and blaming yourself entirely for a problem, think about the many factors that may have contributed to it. Focus on solving the problem instead of using up all your energy blaming yourself and feeling guilty.
- Cost-Benefit Analysis: List the advantages and disadvantages of a feeling (like getting angry when your plane is late), a negative thought (like “No matter how hard I try, I always screw up”), or a behavior pattern (like overeating and lying around in bed when you’re depressed). You can also use the cost benefit analysis to modify a self-defeating belief such as, “I must always try to be perfect.”
Eating disorders don’t have to have the final say with our thoughts and how we view ourselves. For me, my body and mind began to be renewed when I held my thoughts to a higher standard and learned how to separate the lies from the truth. We are worth filtering our thoughts and seeing the lies for what they are.
Thankfully, now, I don’t let comparisons rule my life anymore. I have learned that our imperfections are what make all of us unique, not something that should ever hold us back. Every day is a new start and a chance to view yourself as much more than a number on a scale.
If comparison is the thief of joy, then cherishing our bodies and ourselves must be the secret to being happy with all that we are.