Happy almost Fall!
If you know me, you know I love Fall. Every year, as September approaches, my impatience gets the best of me and I start to jump into all of the Autumn activities I love. One of my favorite things to do during this season is cook. For me, nothing beats homemade pumpkin or apple desserts or a butternut squash based entree.
Today, I decided to make gluten-free Butternut Squash Mac & Cheese. A few years ago, when I tried to avoid eating dairy, I made a similar recipe for Pumpkin Mac & Cheese. You can find the recipe here: Vegan Pumpkin Mac & Cheese.
While it may truly be too early to find pumpkin in grocery stores, luckily for me, butternut squash is always a staple I get from Trader Joes all year around.
Ingredients:
- 1 package of pasta. I used Trader Joes organic, gluten-free brown rice pasta
- 1 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese
- ½ butternut squash (I got the pre-cubed raw butternut squash from Trader Joes)
- 2 TB butter
- ⅓ cup vegetable broth
- ½ cup full-fat canned coconut milk
- 2 shallots
- ½ tsp minced garlic
- 2 TB olive oil
- Salt & pepper to taste
Instructions
- Cube the butternut squash (skip this step if you bought the packaged, pre-cut butternut squash) and finely chop the shallots. Place on a pan and coat with olive oil and salt. Roast in the oven at 400 degrees for around 35 minutes or until the butternut squash is cooked through.
- In a food processor, add butternut squash, shallots, and vegetable broth. Blend until thoroughly mixed. It should be the consistency of a purée.
- In a small pot, sauté butter and garlic on medium-low, making sure the garlic does not burn. Add the butternut squash mixture from the food processor, coconut milk, and cheese to the pot, mixing on medium-low until the cheese has melted and is mixed through.
- In the meantime, boil water in a large pot and make the pasta based on the package instructions. I recommend storing the cheese mixture separate from the pasta.
- In a bowl, gently stir in the cheese with pasta. Top with a little cayenne pepper if you would like.
Voilà!
The other day, as I was getting ready, I found myself mindlessly picking apart parts of physical appearance. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until several minutes and thought, “Wow, that was mean of me.” I’ve come a long way in how I view myself, but there are still moments where I slip back into being my own worst critique.
This had me thinking, why is it so hard to be nice to ourselves sometimes? We beat ourselves up for a mistake we make at work or school, something we said that we think was dumb, or overly criticize aspects of our physical self. The thing is, how we talk to ourselves affects us more than we may realize.
Imagine you have a best friend, you are closer to them than anyone else. During a conversation with a few friends over lunch, you accidentally spill an entire cup of coffee on your lap. Your best friend turns to you and says, “You look so stupid right now. Way to go.”
Would you want to continue to be friends with this person? Wouldn’t you re-evaluate if they were really a good friend? Would you let someone speak to you in a harmful way? Hopefully, you wouldn’t.
How we treat ourselves should be held to the same standard of how we let others treat us.
The bottom line is Don’t Bully Yourself.
This reminds me of the Bible verse, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” We are not only supposed to love others well, God wants us to love ourselves well too.
As the sayings go…
You cannot pour from an empty cup. Fill up your own cup before you fill up others.
Put on your oxygen mask before your neighbors.
The analogies go on and on.
This may be odd at first, but if you realize you’re being a bully to your brain, try standing up for yourself.
Here are a few examples:
Me: “You can’t pull off this outfit. You look too bloated.”
Response to myself: “No, I look beautiful in this. I am perfect exactly how I am.”
Me: “What you said was dumb. You look so stupid right now.”
Response to myself: “What I said was not dumb. No one thinks I’m stupid. I am smart and capable.”
Be intentional with how you talk to yourself. Learn to build yourself up and speak to yourself how you want others to speak to you. Loving yourself well matters more than you may think.
Happy 2020 everyone!
Over the past several weeks, I’ve seen a lot of posts reflecting on the past decade. Naturally, I began to look back and, wow, what a decade it has been. It is amazing to see the changes and growth that has occurred over the last 10 years.
10 years ago is when my eating disorder (ED) first began; the first time I saw my body for its perceived flaws. At 15, this was the start of a life-changing journey for me and I would never have foreseen where it would bring me. I had just begun modeling in New York and was so determined to be the best and perfect in an industry hallmarked by thinness and flawlessness.
I was willing to do anything to make it but didn’t realize how I was hurting myself in the process. Over the next several years, my eating disorder took total control of my life. I was enmeshed in a dysfunctional relationship with food and my physical self, unable to separate myself from my ED. In such a formative time of life, this shaped my personal identity.
This time in my life was not all negative. I truly loved my career in the modeling industry. I got to travel to incredible places and meet many influential and talented people. It is a season of my life I will cherish forever.
After several years, my modeling career came to an end when I began to develop health complications because of my eating disorder. Coming home from New York was devastating. I didn’t know why this was happening to me. This was supposed to be my life’s path; this was where I was supposed to be. I had worked so hard to get to where I was and it seemed like everything was taken from me.
I didn’t know who I was or what I was supposed to do. I felt lost and broken.
The next year was the most difficult year of my life. It was spent hiding, trying so hard to hold on to what was lost. I leaned into my ED to make me feel whole again, to make me feel normal, but it just made me feel empty and miserable.
I don’t know when it began, but eventually, my life began to change for the better. I was able to separate myself from my eating disorder. It no longer had a hold on me like it once did. I was able to see the lies for what they were and my identity shifted to more than protruding bones and counting calories. For the first time since my ED began, I loved myself for all that I was.
As odd as this may sound, I am grateful for my eating disorder. Because of my ED, I am the person I am today. It brought my passion and life purpose, as I am working towards my Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling to help others who are struggling with eating disorders.
If I could go back and speak to my 2010 self with all I have learned from this decade, I would tell her:
- You are supposed to love yourself – loving yourself is a good thing.
- Comparing yourself to others will never help you reach your goals.
- You are so much more than an eating disorder.
- Speak up – your opinions matter.
- God’s plan is so much greater than anything you have planned for yourself.
The past several years have been so beautiful and wonderful. I love my life and the places it has taken me. There is so much I am grateful for, especially the ability to help others struggling with ED.
As I begin this new decade, I am nothing but thankful for all that the past 10 years have taught me. I can’t wait to see what the next decade will bring.
Cheers to this new chapter!
Hey there, it’s been a while.
It’s been a busy season for me. I’m a full time grad student and working full time; both things I absolutely love. I actually really enjoy busy seasons. They are when I feel I thrive the most, but it can also be one when I forget to take time for myself. Taking time for myself is not something that comes naturally or easily for me. In fact, sometimes sitting still and resting brings about feelings of guilt. I feel like I should be doing something, anything to be productive.
A hard lesson I’ve learned is sometimes doing nothing is being productive.
Let me clarify what “doing nothing” means to me. It doesn’t necessarily mean sitting on the couch watching The Great British Baking Show (even though that totally counts and I definitely do it every week).
It means doing something that does not have a deadline attached to it. Doing nothing is something you are not obligated to do, but will help you feel rejuvenated and relaxed. In other words, “doing nothing” basically, means self-care.
Maybe your self-care is watching a few episodes on Netflix, going on a long walk or run, baking something fun or cooking a healthy meal, or doing all three. For me, yoga is one of the biggest ways I administer self-care. It helps me stay active and relax all at once. It has been a lifesaver for me during my busy seasons.
But, you don’t have to be in a busy season to practice self-care. In fact, practicing self-care should be a conscious priority every day.
Another form of self-care has been this blog, even though I haven’t posted something on here in a while; I love creating new recipes and laying all of my various thoughts out on paper (or Microsoft word, technically). When I was thinking about taking self-care more seriously, my blog was the first thing that came to mind. I have missed planning out blog posts and spending an afternoon in the kitchen cooking something new.
Self-care can be more difficult than it seems at first.
Don’t know where to start with self-care? Here are some tips:
- Pro-actively block out time for your self-care – Work on prioritizing things you love a few times a week as much you prioritize other parts of you life.
- Your self-care might not look like everyone else’s – Make your self-care about YOU. Do what you love during this time.
- If you don’t feel rejuvenated after your self-care time, maybe you haven’t found the right activity – Don’t be afraid to try different things! If something felt more draining than relaxing, try something else.
- Don’t feel guilty about taking time for yourself – Sometimes we forget that we are supposed to take care of ourselves. It is not a bad thing to take time for something you enjoy.
Whatever season of life you are currently in, I encourage you to try to practice self-care. Take some time for yourself and do something you love!
Lately, I have been on a matcha kick. If you don’t know what matcha is, it is basically very fine green tea powder. For the most part, I have made matcha lattes at home, but this afternoon, I decided to branch out and make a matcha dessert: Matcha Bars. This might be one of my favorite things I’ve ever made.
Here is how to make them:
Ingredients:
Crust:
- 1 ½ cup of almond flour (You can make your own by grounding unsalted almonds in a food processor)
- ½ cup of unsweetened shredded coconut
- 2 TB of coconut oil
- 3 TB of pure maple syrup
- 1 tsp. of Himalayan sea salt.
Filling:
- 1 TB pure matcha powder (My favorite brand is Organic Jade Leaf Matcha)
- 1 cup of raw cashews
- 2/3 cup of almond/macadamia milk (Trader Joes has the best)
- 2 TB of lemon juice
- 3 TB- ¼ cup of pure maple syrup
Toppings:
- Freeze dried raspberries (optional)
Instructions:
Crust:
In a food processor, add all dry ingredients (almond flour and shredded coconut) and blend thoroughly. Then, add coconut oil, maple syrup, and salt. Blend again until well mixed. In a small to medium baking pan (either lined with parchment paper or greased with coconut oil) press the mixture into the pan and along the sides until the bottom is completely covered. Put the crust in the freezer for around an hour.
Filling:
In a food processor, add all of the ingredients for the filling and blend. If the mixture is too thick or grainy, you can add more almond milk. If it is not as sweet as you would like, add more maple syrup. Once blended, spread the mixture on the crust and put back in the freezer for a minimum of one hour. Top with raspberries and viola!
Happy 2019 everyone! This recipe combines two of my favorite things: Chocolate and Coffee.
Ingredients:
- 1 bag of dark chocolate
- 1 cup cashews
- 2 tb honey
- 3/4 cup coconut cream
- 1/4 cup coffee
Recipe:
With a double boiler, melt 1 bag of dark chocolate on medium/low heat. Once the chocolate is melted, use half of the chocolate to coat the inside of the cupcake wrappers. Put the cupcake wrappers in the freezer to harden.
In a food processor, blend the cashews, coconut cream and honey until the consistency is smooth and fluffy. If it is too soupy, add more cashews and if it is too chunky, add more coconut cream. Take half of the cashew mixture and add to the remainder of the melted chocolate. Next, stir in the coffee in the chocolate as well. Scoop a little more than a tablespoon in each of the cupcake wrappers then add a tablespoon of the plain cashew mixture on top. Put the cappuccino cups back in the freezer for at least an hour. Top with coco powder and viola!
In time, I will leave the city
For now, I will stay alive
It is hard to describe how it feels when you are in a season of life that seems like it can’t get much lower. You are mentally and physically at your limit, wanting to keep fighting for something better, but your circumstances feel concrete.
When I first began recovery for my eating disorder (ED), I was in this state. I felt trapped in my own body and hating every second. Each day began and ended with an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I hope you never go through a season of life like this, but if you have, you know it is hard to put it into words.
Listening to music has always been an outlet of mine. I love music that has a purpose. I listened to music a lot during my difficult season and not many songs really captured what I was feeling. Looking back, I wish I could have found a song that said what I did not have words for. The song below does such an amazing job of putting words to feelings that so many of us have experienced.
Leave the City
by Twenty One Pilots
I’m tired
Of tending to this fire
I’ve used up all I’ve collected
I have singed my hands
It’s glowing
Embers barely showing
Proof of life in the shadows
Dancing on my plans
They know that it’s almost
They know that it’s almost over
The burning
Is so low it’s concerning
‘Cause they know that when it goes out
It’s a glorious gone
It’s only time before they show me
Why no one ever comes back
With details from beyond
They know that it’s almost
They know that it’s almost over
The weight of this song has hit me like very few songs have before. It took me back to a place where I was going through the worst of my ED and at the beginning of my recovery. At that time, I felt like I was reaching the point where there was nothing more I could do to feel whole again. I had put my identity and worth in my weight and felt in control of my life through limiting what I would eat. In recovery, all of that “control” was taken away very quickly and I felt like I had lost myself. With losing that feeling of control, came a strong sense of being angry with God for allowing these circumstances to happen. I had no way to cope and felt stripped of my worth. I was further from Him than I ever had been, but I was angry at the wrong person.
Giving into your doubts, surrendering to hopelessness and projecting your anger onto God is when the devil thrives the most. To me, these lyrics symbolize what it is like to be at your lowest, while knowing that the enemy is not far away, waiting for you to fall completely.
In time, I will leave the city
For now, I will stay alive
The city, for me personally, represents my eating disorder. It is a place where I felt trapped and a place that will always be a part of my story. Your city might be the same as mine or it might be something different. During this time, some of my better days were the ones where I know I did the best I could to keep going; to keep moving in the direction of healing.
This is okay.
In fact, this is more than okay.
As long as you do not let the enemy defeat you, you are the one winning the war. You could be in the middle of your city, feeling trapped, but as long as you’re continuing to work towards getting out, you have the control.
In my distress I prayed to the Lord, and the Lord answered me and set me free. – Psalm 118:5
I have left the city, but a part of me is always in there. There were times when I was not sure if I would ever get out, but I know now that I have won the war against my eating disorder.
Keep going. Don’t lose hope.
You will leave the city.
Fall is just around the corner and what better way to celebrate the beginning of my favorite season than to make a fall inspired sweet treat. Here is the recipe for Maple Almond Butter Cookies:
Ingredients:
- 1 cup crunchy almond butter
- 1/3 cup pure maple syrup
- 2 eggs
- 3 tablespoons coconut flour
- 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
- Fancy sea salt for sprinkling on top
- 1 tablespoon chia seeds
- 1 teaspoon cinnamon
- Optional: ½ cup chocolate chips
Instructions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Put all of the ingredients in a bowl and mix. Scoop the cookies in about 1 inch circles on a baking sheet for 8-10 minutes. Let them cool, and then they are ready to eat!
Viola!
This week is my birthday and, like every year, I am looking forward to another year of growth, adventure, and learning more about myself as I begin the 24th chapter in my life. To start this new season, I have decided to reflect on 24 things I have learned on my time on earth, so far.
- Slow down: Very few things in life are a race. If you are trying to play catch up on someone else’s life path, you will overlook the beauty that lies in the present.
- Be mindful: Choose your thoughts carefully; they have more power than you would believe.
- Love yourself first: This one is important. Loving yourself first isn’t selfishness. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Love yourself first, so you are able to pour into others to the best of your ability.
- Worrying gets you nowhere: A saying I try to remember when I am feeling anxious is, “cross that bridge when it gets here.” Sometimes, anxiety can feel overwhelming, but nothing beneficial comes from worrying about an event that has not come to fruition.
- Always have something to work towards.
- Don’t give up, but learn to give in: Push yourself to reach your goals, but know when you’re being too hard on yourself.
- Treat yourself with respect
- Be responsible
- Be slow to speak: James 1:19
- Process big decisions, but do not put them off.
- Be still and listen to God: Psalm 46:10
- Have fun: Make time to do things you enjoy.
- Don’t take yourself too seriously.
- Humility goes a long way.
- Put your pride beside you.
- Life is too precious to take it for granted
- Treasure those close to you
- Don’t always follow a crowd: Sometimes they don’t know where they are going.
- Count your blessings
- Get enough sleep: There is a big difference in your outlook on the day when you have 6 hours of sleep vs 8.
- Make God your life’s filter
- Be proud of yourself: Remind yourself how far you’ve come.
- Don’t let the past define you, but grow from it.
- Choose to be happy: Make Philippians 4:8 your life’s motto.