In time, I will leave the city
For now, I will stay alive
It is hard to describe how it feels when you are in a season of life that seems like it can’t get much lower. You are mentally and physically at your limit, wanting to keep fighting for something better, but your circumstances feel concrete.
When I first began recovery for my eating disorder (ED), I was in this state. I felt trapped in my own body and hating every second. Each day began and ended with an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I hope you never go through a season of life like this, but if you have, you know it is hard to put it into words.
Listening to music has always been an outlet of mine. I love music that has a purpose. I listened to music a lot during my difficult season and not many songs really captured what I was feeling. Looking back, I wish I could have found a song that said what I did not have words for. The song below does such an amazing job of putting words to feelings that so many of us have experienced.
Leave the City
by Twenty One Pilots
I’m tired
Of tending to this fire
I’ve used up all I’ve collected
I have singed my hands
It’s glowing
Embers barely showing
Proof of life in the shadows
Dancing on my plans
They know that it’s almost
They know that it’s almost over
The burning
Is so low it’s concerning
‘Cause they know that when it goes out
It’s a glorious gone
It’s only time before they show me
Why no one ever comes back
With details from beyond
They know that it’s almost
They know that it’s almost over
The weight of this song has hit me like very few songs have before. It took me back to a place where I was going through the worst of my ED and at the beginning of my recovery. At that time, I felt like I was reaching the point where there was nothing more I could do to feel whole again. I had put my identity and worth in my weight and felt in control of my life through limiting what I would eat. In recovery, all of that “control” was taken away very quickly and I felt like I had lost myself. With losing that feeling of control, came a strong sense of being angry with God for allowing these circumstances to happen. I had no way to cope and felt stripped of my worth. I was further from Him than I ever had been, but I was angry at the wrong person.
Giving into your doubts, surrendering to hopelessness and projecting your anger onto God is when the devil thrives the most. To me, these lyrics symbolize what it is like to be at your lowest, while knowing that the enemy is not far away, waiting for you to fall completely.
In time, I will leave the city
For now, I will stay alive
The city, for me personally, represents my eating disorder. It is a place where I felt trapped and a place that will always be a part of my story. Your city might be the same as mine or it might be something different. During this time, some of my better days were the ones where I know I did the best I could to keep going; to keep moving in the direction of healing.
This is okay.
In fact, this is more than okay.
As long as you do not let the enemy defeat you, you are the one winning the war. You could be in the middle of your city, feeling trapped, but as long as you’re continuing to work towards getting out, you have the control.
In my distress I prayed to the Lord, and the Lord answered me and set me free. – Psalm 118:5
I have left the city, but a part of me is always in there. There were times when I was not sure if I would ever get out, but I know now that I have won the war against my eating disorder.
Keep going. Don’t lose hope.
You will leave the city.