Happy 2020 everyone!
Over the past several weeks, I’ve seen a lot of posts reflecting on the past decade. Naturally, I began to look back and, wow, what a decade it has been. It is amazing to see the changes and growth that has occurred over the last 10 years.
10 years ago is when my eating disorder (ED) first began; the first time I saw my body for its perceived flaws. At 15, this was the start of a life-changing journey for me and I would never have foreseen where it would bring me. I had just begun modeling in New York and was so determined to be the best and perfect in an industry hallmarked by thinness and flawlessness.
I was willing to do anything to make it but didn’t realize how I was hurting myself in the process. Over the next several years, my eating disorder took total control of my life. I was enmeshed in a dysfunctional relationship with food and my physical self, unable to separate myself from my ED. In such a formative time of life, this shaped my personal identity.
This time in my life was not all negative. I truly loved my career in the modeling industry. I got to travel to incredible places and meet many influential and talented people. It is a season of my life I will cherish forever.
After several years, my modeling career came to an end when I began to develop health complications because of my eating disorder. Coming home from New York was devastating. I didn’t know why this was happening to me. This was supposed to be my life’s path; this was where I was supposed to be. I had worked so hard to get to where I was and it seemed like everything was taken from me.
I didn’t know who I was or what I was supposed to do. I felt lost and broken.
The next year was the most difficult year of my life. It was spent hiding, trying so hard to hold on to what was lost. I leaned into my ED to make me feel whole again, to make me feel normal, but it just made me feel empty and miserable.
I don’t know when it began, but eventually, my life began to change for the better. I was able to separate myself from my eating disorder. It no longer had a hold on me like it once did. I was able to see the lies for what they were and my identity shifted to more than protruding bones and counting calories. For the first time since my ED began, I loved myself for all that I was.
As odd as this may sound, I am grateful for my eating disorder. Because of my ED, I am the person I am today. It brought my passion and life purpose, as I am working towards my Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling to help others who are struggling with eating disorders.
If I could go back and speak to my 2010 self with all I have learned from this decade, I would tell her:
- You are supposed to love yourself – loving yourself is a good thing.
- Comparing yourself to others will never help you reach your goals.
- You are so much more than an eating disorder.
- Speak up – your opinions matter.
- God’s plan is so much greater than anything you have planned for yourself.
The past several years have been so beautiful and wonderful. I love my life and the places it has taken me. There is so much I am grateful for, especially the ability to help others struggling with ED.
As I begin this new decade, I am nothing but thankful for all that the past 10 years have taught me. I can’t wait to see what the next decade will bring.
Cheers to this new chapter!