Art by my uncle, Mark Coile (1962-1997)
Going to amusement parks are always so much fun. The smell of funnel cakes and the screams and laughter coming from each ride will always remind me of going when I was a kid. One attraction that I remember the most is the Fun House. The Fun House was filled with long, moving, hallways leading me down many different narrow passage ways with more crazy rooms to explore. The best part out of all of it was getting to the room with the Fun House mirrors. I can remember looking at myself as I went from mirror to mirror. My reflection warped in front of my eyes as each mirror stretched and changed me. Those mirrors were a lot of fun when I was a kid, but not so much fun anymore. Away from the amusement parks and Fun Houses, almost every mirror I look in shows me some type of distorted and warped image of myself.
I was talking to my therapist about how twisted the perception of my body can be. I was noticing it more and more, one minute I can look in the mirror and see someone thin and I would be happy with the way I looked and then the very next second I would see the same reflection but see someone with thunder thighs and a big stomach. She told me that people with eating disorders can easily have what she calls, “Fun House mirror eyes”. These Fun House eyes make me mistrust my own reflection and second guess what I’m seeing looking back at me. I had never thought about it that way and then everything began to click with me. She was right. People rarely see themselves for what they truly are, but it’s a hundred times worse when you have an eating disorder. There is constantly a part of me that seems to be distorted and ridiculously huge. The eating disorder makes me feel like I can’t escape my own mind…like I’m trapped in my own wall-to-wall twisted and warped Fun House mirrors.
I know that people with eating disorders aren’t the only ones with a distorted view of themselves. EVERYONE has Fun House mirror eyes sometimes. I’ve learned something that has helped me when I can’t trust my own reflection. This may sound cheesy and cliché but, it does really help to start feeding yourself positive thoughts throughout the day. You could write something uplifting on your bathroom mirror or start listing all of the things you love about yourself in your head. On my mirror at home I wrote, “I accept myself unconditionally right now,” so I can see it when I wake up and see it right before I go to sleep.
Another thing that has helped me is to write down each negative thought that comes in my head that day. I take the list of each self-defeating thought and before each one, I write down the letters “ED” (for eating disorder). Writing ED shows that these are not my own thoughts, but are the thoughts and lies of my eating disorder. It reminds me that ED is the liar and the one with the problem with perception…not me.
I’m not anywhere close to seeing myself the way others may see me, but I am working on it one day at a time. Hopefully, soon I will look in any mirror and simply see my body for what it is instead of looking into some crazy Fun House mirror.
The Eyes Have It (art) by my uncle, Mark Coile (1962-1997)