Health & Recovery – re-modelED

Life After ED

May 12, 2016

Eating disorder (ED) recovery can often feel like a never-ending tunnel – a dark road with seemingly no visible light ahead. Recovery is not a clear-cut path, but instead, shaped like one big question mark. There is no guidebook that tells you how long it will take or what your life will look like after recovery. When I was going through recovery for my eating disorder, I constantly wondered what life would be like beyond this tunnel and questioned if a better life even existed. I worried that my entire life was going to be spent in the dark under ED’s rule. Could I possibly adapt to a new “ED-free” life?

Between doctor’s appointments or seeing my therapist, I was waiting. Waiting on a little glimpse of light and life beyond this disorder; waiting for someone to flip the switch so I could finally feel freedom from my eating disorder; and waiting on my mind and body to behave like everyone else’s. At times, it felt as if I couldn’t hold out. Through all of the waiting, many days, it seemed easier to resort back to destructive, comfortable habits instead of pushing through the pain.

Time went on and my body and mind finally began to mirror each other. I slowly became more comfortable eating different foods and my safe foods list doubled. ED showed up less and less in my daily thoughts as I was determined to stop the isolation from the people I loved. With the worst of recovery behind me, I renewed my mind little by little and I began my transition into freedom. My eating disorder still lived in the back of my mind, trying to pull me back into the dark, but the light was clearly in front of me and I was determined to make it to the end.

One thing I had to learn very quickly about life without ED was that there are a lot of triggers in our society. I would see others and I would have to stop myself from involuntarily comparing and tearing myself down like I used to do before I began recovery. Sadly, these triggers had the capability of sending me into an inward panic of worry and paranoia about my own body and food intake, but I learned to push through them.

“Adaptation is a profound process. Means you figure out how to thrive in the world.” – John Laroche (Adaptation)

There is no quick fix for an eating disorder. If I am ever in a stressful situation or season of my life, ED still finds a way to sneak back into my thoughts. However, I have had enough practice to know how to combat the lies of my eating disorder and not sink back into my old self-destructive ways.

At this point in my life, I feel so much freedom from my eating disorder. Yes, there are times where ED manages to control a few of my thoughts and maybe several of my decisions. However, overall, I am no longer a slave to my eating disorder. My identity and self-worth is not determined by how many calories I have eaten. I live my life in the light, where my eating disorder no longer has a complete grip on me.

If you are in recovery or still in the middle of your eating disorder, remember that there is hope for a free life. There were so many times throughout my recovery where I felt like I was trapped in my eating disorder forever, but I can say first hand that pushing through the pain is so worth it in the end. There is a freedom beyond your eating disorder. You do not and will not have to be enslaved by ED your entire life. Recovery takes time, but you can do it! Do not rush it, but push, wait, and know that you will experience freedom. It just takes time.

Blog, Health & Recovery

Stereotyp-ED

February 22, 2016

Walking on the trail one day, a huge, mean and scary looking dog ran toward me, pulling the leash out of its owner’s hand. I stepped to the side, afraid it would bite me and wondering why the owner wasn’t trying to keep it from attacking me. The dog jumped up on me and gently started to lick me to death. He only wanted me to pet him and wanted to play. The owners laughed and caught up with their dog and kept walking down the trail. A few miles later, a tiny little lap dog, dressed in a cute doggy sweater strolled toward me with its owner pushing it in a baby stroller. As we passed each other, the dog went crazy. It started barking as viciously as it could. It’s teeth were showing as it growled, trying to jump out of the stroller to get to me. The way it was acting, you would think it was a huge Pitbull and if given the chance I’m sure it would have tried to bite me.

Outward appearances mean nothing.

Using outward appearances to define an eating disorder means absolutely nothing.

My eating disorder (ED) showed its ugly head at every opportunity and tore me down with any chance given, whether I was underweight or gaining weight. My eating disorder smothered me while I was in New York before my recovery and ED’s lies didn’t disappear once my weight was restored when I first began recovery.

No matter my weight, ED lived in my mind; a place where only I knew

it existed and a place where others could never go.

When my outside mirrored everyone’s ideal weight for me, ED was still there lurking inside.

My main mission in life is to spread awareness about eating disorders and to share my story, even if it means only helping one person. I would not wish an eating disorder on my worst enemy. It is something that took over my life for years and time I will never get back. Overcoming anorexia has given me a new purpose for my life and for that I am thankful, but the road to reach this point was extremely difficult.

If you or someone you know are struggling with an eating disorder, there is help out there. ( www.nationaleatingdisorders.org andwww.myedin.org have many resources and information online ) No matter your size, reach out to someone and ask for the help you deserve.

With this week being National Eating Disorder Awareness week, let’s shed light on the real struggle with eating disorders, not the stereotype.

Blog, Health & Recovery

Blurred Beauty

January 4, 2016

Have you ever stared at a word for so long it suddenly doesn’t look like that word or even a real word at all? It can be the most common word, one you use all of the time, but if you concentrate on it for too long and stare at it over and over, it will begin to change in front of you and turn into a jumbled up mess of letters and symbols.

When this happens to me in writing; it can become so frustrating and confusing. Instead of staring at it and trying to interpret this now random, foreign mess of a word, it’s usually best for me to take a small break and then come back and reevaluate what is in front of me.

This is very similar to what women do with their bodies. We stare and pick ourselves apart, concentrating on an area of our physical appearance we don’t like, day after day, until nothing is left in the mirror but a confusing blur – a negative blob that makes us doubt ourselves. We begin to focus on the one thing we hate about our bodies until we don’t even know ourselves anymore.

I came across this analogy a few days ago on Tumblr and it really spoke to me.

When I was struggling with my eating disorder and every time I looked in the mirror, it was almost as if I couldn’t fully bring my body into focus. Some part of me was constantly warped, like looking in a funhouse mirror. My eating disorder made it nearly impossible to see myself in a positive, let alone realistic light.

Concentrating and obsessing over anything for too long, like a blurred word on a page, will never look “right” to us. When we only focus on the one single word that appears to be jumbled, and not on the entire beautiful passage or paragraph, that one word will always seem distorted.

Maybe the same can be said about our physical appearance and our own bodies.

“To change ourselves effectively, we first have to change our perceptions.” – Stephen R. Covey

We need to see the entire picture and view our whole bodies for what they are: beautiful. Stop concentrating on the jumbled distortion of one part that we think isn’t perfect.

If staring at one word on a page can make it seem distorted, then focusing on one part of our body can have the same effect and will eventually blur our entire image of ourselves.

You wouldn’t focus on only one part of a beautiful painting, so why would you do the same with your body?

Blog, Health & Recovery

Stressed Out

October 18, 2015

If anyone would have told me a few years ago I would have a blog like this, I would have probably laughed. I spent years hiding out from anyone finding out about my eating disorder and never dreamed of sharing with anyone what I was going through, except with a few close friends and family.

My blog has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. Writing out my feelings and working through emotions this way has helped me learn to be more open and vulnerable and has helped me as much as I hope it’s helping others. There is something so freeing about being able to just kind of let loose and write how I’m truly feeling, and hopefully reaching out to someone going through the same thing in the process.

Lately though, I haven’t had the time to work on my blog and devote to writing like I would like to. These past few months have flown by and I haven’t had time to cook or try out new recipes, which I love to do. (and that really sucks in the fall because of all of the pumpkin and apple dishes I want to make). I am a full time student and I work on top of that, so my free time is usually devoted to school work or outside activities…

AND this lack of time to devote to my blog has really been stressing me out.

I love writing and it is the worst feeling knowing that I have no time to do something that I love, but you know what? That’s life sometimes.

Life is stressful; it’s just how it is. Whether you’re dealing with work, school, relationships, or every day situations – stress is bound to creep its way in at some point. The thing about stress is that life will slow down eventually, the stress will pass, and you will finally be able breathe again. Stress isn’t really the problem…the real threat is how we deal with stress.

Everyone handles stress differently. Its been three years into my recovery for my eating disorder and stress seems to be the only thing that has the ability to set me back with my eating habits. With all of the stress I’ve been under lately, it really hasn’t affected my eating, which is a total blessing and feels so good knowing I haven’t let it control me in that way this time around.

Here’s the thing you have to keep reminding yourself – Stress is going to happen. It’s not IF, but WHEN will stress worm its way back into your life.

Bad habits are hard to break, especially when they’ve become a crutch for dealing with the demands of life and stressful situations. These habits can be both a burden and a comfort even though we know deep down that they are not a dependable vise to lean on – we continue to do it because it makes us feel good in the moment.

I’ve dealt with stress through restrictive eating for a long time. I know that when I choose to not eat, I’m making a rash, unhealthy decision, but its so tempting to just go with it because it gives me relief right then. At the time, I feel like these eating habits are the only things that I can control when everything around me seems out of control and out of my hands. In reality, my bad eating habits is the thing that is controlling me and giving me a false sense of relief.

People will always have stress and most have their way of dealing with it. When stress hits, there are many false beliefs and comforts we all use to try and help: spending too much money and shopping; controlling what we eat or drink; or checking out and hiding in the bed. The list could go on. Some of us are just wired to be attracted towards destructive and deceptive patterns when it comes to stress.

What I am about to say is SO much easier said than done, but it has really helped me the past couple of years. When I’m feeling like life is out of my hands and I need to combat a destructive habit – I work on creating a new constructive way of dealing with the stress to take its place.

For a while, one of my favorite things to do when I became overwhelmed was to knit. Knitting took my mind off of the stressful stuff and it became a relaxing and productive way to work out my stress (I made like 50 scarfs that winter). Now, I’ve been dealing with my stress through exercise. Going for a run or a long walk is the cure-all for me when I am stressed out. I don’t have to think about anything and I can take all of my worries out on the running trail.

I guess the first step in knocking out the bad habit is to see stress for what it is. Know that it’s going to happen and be prepared for the negative thoughts and false habits to start showing up.

Before giving in to them – replace them.

It will feel natural and comfortable to reach for that bad habit when you’re all wrapped up in stress and craziness. When you see stress building up in your life, stop and find something to be thankful for through the mess before acting on that bad habit.

Divert your stress by focusing on something good in your life and take some deep breaths. Then, choose your new constructive habit to take the place of the old destructive one. Maybe it’s a hobby that you have been wanting to try, but never gave it a chance, or an activity you know will benefit you. Developing positive ways of coping with stress over time can help you navigate those inevitable stressful situations.

Blog, Health & Recovery

Save the Bees

August 23, 2015

I am not a big shopper; I never have been. Whenever I go into a store, I typically only stay a few minutes, get what I need, and leave. The grocery store is the only store I could spend the entire day in, especially in the produce section. I absolutely love seeing baskets overflowing with colorful, fresh produce or bins full of nuts and grains. Going to a farmers market or a place that supports locally grown produce is amazing, but I’ve realized that we never give enough credit to the real farmers…honey bees.

When I used to think of the word “bee,” my mind immediately went to, “hurt them before they can hurt me.” I absolutely hated bees growing up and the thought of being stung, scared me to death. They seemed to be like most insects and served no purpose, like they were only around to sit on flowers and sting us when we’re in their way. It wasn’t until I watched a documentary on how much bees affect our every day life that this opinion began to change.

“If the bee disappeared off the face of the earth, man would only have four years left to live.” – Albert Einstein

I was under the assumption that bees only helped flowers spread and grow and never really thought about the impact they have on the foods that we eat. Bees contribute to the pollination of more than one hundred US crops with produce like apples, pears, tangerines, peaches, soybeans, pumpkins, squash, cucumbers, cherries, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, carrots, broccoli, avocados, and almonds…and that’s only a few.

I had no idea these little yellow insects did so much…

…But this is when things start to get scary. Millions of bees are dying. In just over 8 years, the global bee population has dropped 30%; the United States alone could lose up to $15 billion worth of crops if bees keep disappearing. If our bees continue to die at this rate, the way we eat will no longer exist. Grocery stores will run out of produce, local farmers will go out of business, there will begin to be a huge decrease in food supply, many of our wildlife will die, and our world will be begin to fall apart.

“Only when the last tree has died and the last river has been poisoned and the last fish has been caught will we realize that we can’t eat money.”

Sometimes, it isn’t our job to drastically mess with Mother Nature like we are so used to doing.

It’s not too late to do something about our disappearing little friends: Here are some ways you can help save the bees:

Reduce the amount of pesticides you use when gardening: With flowers or produce, try to plant only pesticide free seeds.
Grow a small garden: Bees love flowers. Even the smallest garden can help our planet’s bees.
Buy local: Support your locally grown, organic produce. Join a co-op or visit some farmers markets to get your weekly groceries.
Donate to the Pollinator Partnership: Their goal it to protect pollinators, like bees. You can donate here http://pollinator.org/donation.htm

Blog, Health & Recovery

Comfort Zone

July 29, 2015

Everyone has something they are afraid of. Whether it’s a fear of rejection, fear of walking into a crowded room, fear of failure, fear of the unknown….the list could go on. We all have that one thing that we’re scared of that holds us back from stepping out and trying something new.

I remember my very first trip to New York after being signed with my agency. Even though I was new to the modeling industry, my agency sent me out from the beginning with some pretty big names in the fashion world. I was excited to get my schedule and see who I would be meeting with each day; excited to ride the subway to the castings; and even excited walking up to the buildings. But, after I walked in and saw the boards on the wall by the elevators that listed the famous designers by name and their floors, I was beyond scared and frozen with fear. Reading the names was intimidating enough, I didn’t think I could get in the elevator or push the buttons or make it past the lobby.

I felt like a deer in headlights. Here I was, this young, teenage girl from Georgia, about to meet with people I’d only read about in magazines or seen on TV. I felt like I could never gather enough confidence needed to walk into their studios or meet them face-to-face. I remember being so nervous at one of my first castings, I had to sit down in the lobby, just to catch my breath.

Looking back, after going on several castings, I realized that if it weren’t for taking those first baby steps away from fear and doubt and making myself get on the elevator and push the buttons, I would have never gotten anywhere – only as far as the lobby. My fear of rejection and failure wanted to keep me planted where I was and never moving forward. When we’re afraid, fear and comfort zones might seem like they’re keeping us safe, but they really keep us from living our lives to the fullest. They hold us back from ever reaching our full potential.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

It took a lot of false-confidence to push the buttons, ride the elevators, and walk into the castings with my head held high. After a while, it became easier and I started to love going and meeting all of these interesting people. My fake confidence soon started to turn into real confidence. What I was originally afraid of, ended up making me stronger. I guess the saying, “fake it until you make it,” really does work.

When I was going through recovery for my eating disorder, I lived in a world of isolation. Stepping outside of my destructive comfort zone seemed impossible and foreign to me. I felt trapped with my fears and by the habits and thoughts caused by eating disorder. My close friends and family knew what I was going through, but no one really understood the struggles I was dealing with everyday. Although my comfort zone was causing me pain, it seemed easier to stay put in a dangerous place than to face my fears and start living in freedom.

Around six months into my recovery, I was asked to speak to the cast for a show my younger sister was in that happened to be about eating disorders. Before this, I had not spoken to many people about what I was going through. I couldn’t imagine telling a group of thirty strangers the most personal and painful parts of my life. I had to leave my comfort zone of isolation to tell my story, and the thought absolutely terrified me. I ended up walking into the room with the cast, just like I had to walk into the rooms with the designers and in tons of castings before. I carried with me the same fears and doubts.

As soon as I began sharing my story about my eating disorder, I felt something inside of me change. Just like taking those steps into the elevator and walking into those castings, my fears started to vanish. A few months after that day, I decided to start this blog. I realized what my purpose was and I wanted to use my story to hopefully help others that are dealing with the same struggles I have been through. If I‘d stayed trapped by my own fear, I would’ve never grown as a person – I would have never moved forward. I am free now from those fears and from my eating disorder and have the strength to share my story.

“Sometimes what you’re most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.”

If you are stuck and struggling with fear or dealing with an eating disorder and trying to move outside of your comfort zone, take the first step. Even if it means just a few steps outside of your house or sharing what you’re going through with someone close to you. Step outside the trap of isolation. You have the strength inside of you, but it’s up to you to act on it. You don’t have to be trapped by your fears and you deserve to move forward in life.

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” – 2 Timothy 1:7

Blog, Health & Recovery

#NoFilter

May 20, 2015

#NoFilter #NoMakeup

I look back through my camera roll on my phone, scrolling past the 100 pictures I have just taken. There has to be at least one picture worthy enough to post. The lighting has to be perfect, the picture has to be clear and at an angle where I know it will look the best. I delete the ones that are less than perfect and my 100 pictures have been narrowed down to one. Now, the editing process begins. The lighting is altered, the image is sharpened, and the contrast is increased. The photo is already looking a little better…but I’m not done. From here, I move on to the filters. Do I want Luna or Perpetua? Decisions…decisions. Ten minutes and 15% of my phone battery later, my picture is perfect, polished, and ready to post.

This process is applicable to mainly my food pictures, but sometimes selfies too. I think its safe to say that we have all gone a little crazy at times with editing our photos.

I’ve talked on the subject of filtering photos before on my blog, but its something that pops up for all of us on a day-to-day basis. There is nothing wrong with editing our pictures, but I’ve realized that very rarely is a picture sent out or posted without it being altered or edited in some way.

Recently, I heard about this app where you can slim your features, smooth wrinkles, whiten your teeth, etc. Basically, it can do most things that a professional photoshop program can do with just the swipe of a finger. Photoshopping our photos does not boost our confidence; in fact, I believe it does the opposite. When you are over-editing pictures, you are focusing on the features you like the least. You are altering the areas where you feel most self-conscious.

I don’t think any of us are pulling any Kim Kardashians, but if we compare the original photos with what we just edited, we can almost pinpoint the areas where we feel most self-conscious. So, on social media, instead of seeing someone’s picture as unrealistic and perfect, we can now see the areas where people feel most vulnerable. If you see someone’s doctored photo with teeth as white as Paula Deen’s or skin as glossed over as Beyonce’s, to me it highlights the area where they might feel most insecure. Sometimes, when I look at a before and after photo that I’ve added a filter to or edited, it sort of makes me mad at myself that I feel the urge to make everything “perfect.”

I have never used this slimming app or any photoshop programs to digitally alter my photos that I post. I only use the typical filters and other tools to enhance photos and make them look more professional. But, I have realized that even just adding filters can have a similar effect as using a photoshop app. Don’t get me wrong, I love editing pictures. I think its fun and the tools are there for us to use, so why not? It’s just when I start I realize that I am focusing more on my insecurities than the whole reason why I took the photo to begin with. This is when I feel an obligation to cover up what I don’t like about myself and where these apps could start causing self-esteem issues. We begin to believe that we are not good enough without being edited in some way.

I saw this video the other day where women are given a slimming app for the first time to edit their photos. Their reactions and comments show that instead of feeling better about themselves after editing, they start realizing the areas where they feel most self-conscious. One woman in the video said something that really stood out to me. She said that by using the app, it made her feel like she was validating that her body wasn’t good enough without being slimmed and polished.

One thing that I love and miss about modeling is that I never wore makeup. Not that I wear that much now, but it was nice to just wash my face and go. We had to show every designer and casting director a “blank canvas, ” a Polaroid, and that was good enough. I always felt more confident after having them taken because there was nothing to hide. I was unedited and I simply was who I was.

[polaroid from NYC]

Again, I am not bashing filters; I use them with all of my photos. Nothing makes a green pineapple smoothie look better than a good filter. But if you are considering using one of these photoshop apps that change what you look like, remember that you are more than a photo. If you have a zit on your face, instead of erasing it, remember that the majority of people have them too. No one is perfect; we all have flaws. We need to embrace our imperfections and stop covering up what is real.

Blog, Health & Recovery

Waiting for Spring

March 30, 2015

Patience.

Patience, in my opinion, is one of the most difficult virtues, but it’s the greatest ability to have when dealing with difficult situations.

For me, the hardest thing I had to deal with when I was going through recovery for my eating disorder was waiting.

Waiting for my brain to stop reverting back to old ways of disordered thinking. Waiting for my body to heal from restricting. Waiting for a normal life. The waiting seemed to never end. It felt like a tunnel where you couldn’t see the light at the end, an eternity of expecting things to get better.

Its hard to be patient when you don’t know when things are going to change. It’s easy to practice patience in the middle of 5 o’clock traffic; but when times get rough and you are in the middle of winter, so to speak, it’s nearly impossible to wait. I’ve learned the hard way that the best things in life take time. Very rarely does something great sprout overnight.

“Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in the low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods. Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The spring will come.” – Robert H. Schuller

When I first began recovery for my eating disorder, my agent told me that she thought it would be good for me to grow a plant while I start this difficult new chapter in my life. While I learned how to take care of this plant, I was also learning how to take care of myself. While I was growing, the plant was growing. I honestly harmed a few plants in the process, but learning how to grow a plant is similar to dealing with a difficult time. Nothing is going to go the way you plan, but once you figure out the right balance of water, sun and soil, you just wait and trust that your plant will grow.

My little plant seed saw nothing but darkness, but when time was right, it flourished and grew into a little sprout. The same was true with my recovery. There is a reason that flowers bloom in the Spring. Spring always follows Winter, but sometimes when Spring will come is unclear.

“We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world.” – Helen Keller

When you are in a seemingly never-ending bad season in your life and waiting feels like its next to impossible, know that there are always good things to follow. It might not be as quick and easy as expected, but with the coldest Winter usually brings the most beautiful Spring. Circumstances change; the situations you face will not last forever, but learning how to wait in the midst of difficult times will teach you how to trust in the next Winter.

Corrie Ten Boom once said, “When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don’t throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”

Blog, Health & Recovery

20 Things You Need To Know About Eating Disorders

February 24, 2015

Before I developed an eating disorder, I honestly didn’t know much information about it. Since today begins eating disorder awareness week, I thought I would share a great post by Liz Gombach Junod.

1. Eating disorders can happen to happy, well-adjusted people living in happy, well-adjusted families.

2. More people have eating disorders in the western world than have green eyes.

3. Eating disorders are not always the result of a deliberate diet. People sometimes develop them when they lose weight because of an illness or even a well-intentioned fast.

4. An eating disorder is a brain disorder to which some people are genetically predisposed. It is especially risky for those people to lose weight, but they usually don’t know this until it’s too late.

5. Eating disorders have the highest fatality rate of any mental health condition.

6. One in five people with anorexia die prematurely of the disorder, usually of organ failure, typically of heart failure. One in five.

7. Anorexia is not “all about control”. It is not a response to controlling parents. It is not a severe case of vanity. It is a brain disorder.

8. When someone develops an eating disorder, their brain chemistry and structure change. You cannot reason them out of this.

9. By far the most effective treatment for an eating disorder is food. Therapy can help, and may be essential, but it is food that heals the brain.

10. People can develop an eating disorder without becoming dangerously – or even, in some cases, significantly – underweight.

11. Women can have an eating disorder, including anorexia, without ever losing their periods.

12. Recovery from an eating disorder is not about waiting for the sufferer to want to get better.

13. The single worst thing you can do for someone developing an eating disorder is “not to make meals a battleground”. They need to eat, and this can be a difficult, nasty, vicious and bloody battle.

14. If someone has been starving and starts to eat properly again, they can suffer from refeeding syndrome, which is dangerous and can be fatal. Restoring a proper diet should be done gradually and with medical advice.

15. When someone has been starved and starts to gain weight again, the weight goes on first around the middle to protect the organs. It will redistribute, but only after many months. This sucks.

16. At least 10% of people with eating disorders are boys or men. That number is rising.

17. Just because someone with an eating disorder has regained weight does not mean they are fully better. Mending the brain can take months or even years after weight restoration.

18. A shocking number of mental health experts only have a passing understanding of eating disorders.

19. Swift treatment makes a huge difference to the chances of recovery, but it can take months to see a specialist. Those months can make the difference between life and death.

20. Recovery is possible. Not everyone with an eating disorder recovers completely, and the risk of relapse is huge, but it is not necessarily a life sentence. People can – and do – make a complete, full and lasting recovery.

Blog, Health & Recovery

Learning to Love Yourself

February 4, 2015

“Beauty is when you can appreciate yourself. When you love yourself, that’s when you’re most beautiful.”

What does loving yourself mean to you? Is it when you build yourself up and encourage yourself? Being confident in your own skin regardless of your weight?

For a while, loving myself and my body seemed very unnatural. It seemed like something that should be a last thought and should be put on the back burner. In my mind, it was always “love others first & love yourself later” … but the later would never come.

During my eating disorder (ED), I would associate my disordered eating behaviors with loving and comforting myself. It seemed I was doing something good for myself, all while conditioning my mind to hate what I saw every time I looked in the mirror. I learned the hard way that how I was treating my body was not showing it love and ended up hating my body and hating myself.

There is a Bible verse that most people have heard at some point in their lives. Its one of those verses where you read it and think “Yeah, yeah I know that already,” but recently I’ve read it with a new perspective.

The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” – Mark 12:31

When I used to hear this verse, I would instantly think in terms of loving your neighbor first and loving ourselves second, but that’s not what God wants us to do. He commands us to love our neighbor, but He also expects us to love ourselves. Loving ourselves is supposed to come naturally to us. It should be something that is second nature, not something that is an everyday struggle. So why does it feel so hard at times?

With our society today making it so easy to have a sneak peek into someone else’s life, we get caught up in comparing ourselves to other people. We compare our bodies, our looks and personalities, wealth and social status, and even how many followers we have on Instagram. This was an issue long before the Internet and iPhones, but it seems like social media has only made this problem worse. You are constantly viewing girls that have taken a picture at a perfect angle so it makes them look thin, or someone that seemingly has perfect skin, or someone whose hair looks like it is styled by a professional every day. No wonder its so hard to look in the mirror at everything you are and fully accept what you see when you are constantly trying to match your flaws to other people’s strengths.

This is something I have to remind myself when I’m on social media: Social media is a filtered version of people’s lives. What you see there doesn’t always accurately describe people’s everyday life. Is anyone going to post a picture of themselves lying in bed with no makeup while binge-watching Friends? No!

Long story short…comparing will get you nowhere, easier said than done I know.

I am all about taking care of your body, which is why I feel like the next few words are so important.

What I’ve realized is that if you don’t take the time to love yourself, it will be nearly impossible to take care of your body while treating it in a respectful and healthy way.

In order to love yourself and love your body, you have to fully appreciate and have respect for every part of you. This means realizing that there is really no such thing as the perfect body and that is a good thing. You should love your body because it’s YOUR body. Personally, I had to hit rock bottom before I realized the importance of loving my body and myself. Having to literally start from the ground up on your mental and physical health gives you a new appreciation and respect for yourself. We are all human…we will gain weight, we will lose weight, but your physical appearance shouldn’t be the factor on which you base your worth or how much you should love yourself.

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