When I was recently modeling in LA, I met the most encouraging and amazing person. Her name is Jodi and we met through a mutual friend. I had an instant connection with her, not just because she was from the South and living in LA , but I could tell she was the type of person that I could talk to about anything. When I met her, ED was slowly sneaking back into my life as I was getting back into the swing of modeling again. It was so good to have someone there that I could share these storms of emotions with.
Just a few short weeks before getting to LA, it seemed I had everything under control with my eating disorder. But the perfect storm hit as soon as I got there and I was letting ED take over again. I had been struggling with the decision of whether to come home or stick it out through my storm and hope that ED would eventually leave me alone. Every day, it was harder to ignore the anxiety and stress building as I tried to model and pretend that ED wasn’t with me again. I was having severe panic attacks and my skin was literally crawling as I fought not to slip back into my old habits.
*Thank you Jodi for being such a great friend to me! – Urth Caffe
The night that I decided to put myself first instead of ED and come home to continue my recovery, Jodi and I had met for dinner at our favorite restaurant. Jodi was very supportive of my decision to come home and wanted us to see the Wizard of Oz at the IMAX Theater in Beverly Hills that night. I’ve seen Wizard of Oz who knows how many times, but this time the movie had a whole new meaning to me. I never saw how much it related to my eating disorder until I saw it this time.
I was definitely not in Kansas anymore. I left behind my comfortable life of therapy, recovery, the support of my family, and normal eating habits to landing in my own Technicolor Land of Oz full of measurements, diets, and the constant struggle to be perfect. I was always responsible for most of the pressure I felt throughout my modeling career. This trip was no different, except this time I was in my own OZ searching for a way to model without relying on ED to achieve perfection.
With an eating disorder, you’re always looking for the road that leads to a full recovery. Just like Dorothy, the Lion, Scarecrow, and the Tin-Man, you’re searching for…
COURAGE:
- To be able to eat a meal without feeling guilty or obsessing over calories.
- To be okay with exercising a normal amount each day.
- To not be constantly trying to reach for perfection.
- To not let your eating disorder take over your existence.
KNOWLEDGE:
- To recognize when ED is lying to you.
- To realize that the road to recovery is worth it.
- To know when you are reaching your limit and need help.
- To put your health first before anything.
HEART:
- To see that you don’t have to be fully recovered to make a difference and help someone else.
- To be happy with yourself regardless of your size.
- To see how special and unique you are outside of your eating disorder.
- To put yourself first before ED.
Honestly, at first I had no idea why Jodi wanted to take me to see the Wizard of Oz, but towards the end of the movie, it became very clear to me. Dorothy, the Lion, Scarecrow, and the Tin-Man all went on a journey to search for different things, but they found out they held the power to everything they were looking for all along. It took them traveling across Oz and defeating a wicked witch to figure that out. The same goes with defeating an eating disorder. It may seem like the yellow brick road is never-ending and you will never be fully recovered, but you have the power inside yourself to get rid of ED for good.
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